Translate

Tuesday, March 18, 2014

Dear Future Husband..

If you do exist,
Hello.

I don't mean that in a fifteen year old, "no one will ever love me" way,
I mean that in the most literal sense.

How are you? How is Africa? Where are you guys at?
I'm serious, I can't picture my life without Africa. I can't picture my future without it being in Africa.
I really do hope immensely that you guys are there, and that you love it, and you never come back to America (to live).

I hope you're handsome, I know that's shallow, but I mean come on, it's true.
How much do you love me? More importantly, how much do you love God? How much time each day do you spend to just be with him and in his presence? That's the one thing that matters to me more than Africa, or mission work, or anything else. Strip it all away, I don't care. I just want a relationship filled to the brim with God, and joy, and the love of Christ Jesus overflowing from it, to where it has to be shared with others. It's impossible to not share it.

I am having such a hard time being here. I mean, yes in America. But I almost feel ridiculous saying that. There is so much for me to explore.

I just feel stuck.

I feel stuck in my life and in myself.

God, I just want to cut my matted hair out!!  It's so annoying! I don't know why I ever thought glued-in hair extensions were a good idea!

I'm almost embarrassed to admit that having those made me feel like it was okay to love myself.

I really don't like looking back to who I was. Make-up, hair extensions, nails, and so mean. I'm ashamed..

I've had times where I was running away from Christ's call for weeks, and in the middle of the night stop running, focus so hard on him, and the next morning have makeup running down my face, fake nails half-way cut off, and hair extensions on the floor.

I should have called this blog "Confessions of a Recovering American Teenager."

I know, funny right? I really don't like the idea of America. You probably know that, and I probably spend forever talking about it but I'm going to again.

I don't understand it. I feel like after going to Ecuador and Haiti and the Navajo Nation, I don't fit into it anymore. I'm out of my original culture, and I am trying to fit into another one, the problem is that I'm still here in America while I attend college.

I went on my Emmaus walk, and it really made me realize how far God will go to "woo" me. We had so much agape love, and this fantastic meal, and a candlelight ceremony and one big thing I realized is that I deserve to love the relationship I am in.

I want someone who wants me, not because I have a pretty smile, and I am funny, but for the bigger things.
For the fact that I want to spend my life in service to others.
For my love of Africa and children.

And someone who shares that love of Africa.

I hope you love Africa, and when I leave, you still will.

I don't want you to love Africa for me, but for the fact that God has placed Africa in your heart the same way he has mine.  I believe it.

I believe you're real, and you are who God wants me to walk with and worship him in new ways together. I have a lot I could say to you.

Sometimes, I think it would be nice if this could be easy. We could meet now, and settle down here, because that is very convenient, but I don't want that. I was the difficult. I want to have a love as big as Africa, and I want to fight for you every minute.

I hope you are as happy with me as I am with you, and I hope you don't want to kill me in my sleep. (:

Have fun living YOUR and OUR dreams in Africa!(:

Peace to you tonight,
Dorothy.
3.18.14.

1 comment:

  1. Love it! You keep believing sister, because when it's time, he'll somehow appear and you'll decide that all the waiting and wondering was so worth it!

    ReplyDelete