Transparency..

Lately, I’ve just been feeling like I need to reset my foundation in Christ.

I don’t want lies. I’m getting to the point where my relationship with Christ is taking root deeper, and buried really deep are lies and secrets I have always been to prideful to let people know about.

Tonight I found a quote that says, “Perhaps we should meet each other where it hurts. Maybe we belong in the places we don’t want to share.” I find this so true.

I know it is true.. God wants the truth. God demands and deserves such a respect for him, and such transparency that we have no choice but to be willing to be vulnerable. At least that’s what I believe.

There are a lot of things that hurt me that I’ve experienced that I don’t talk about. But I think it’s time I do. I think it’s time I really be transparent..

I guess starting with the one I feel like is the biggest, or I guess which one hurts me the most is the fact that I have been struggling for years with a sexual addiction.

When I was 6 years old, I figured out on my own what masturbation was and I honestly still didn’t know what it was, I just knew it felt weird. No one talked to me about it.

Pretty soon, I found out once again on my own what pornography was and I realized that if I put the two together, it felt pretty good. I started watching it when I was about 8 and I am still struggling with it. I never really had any preference, girls, boys, didn’t matter. It all worked. I didn’t know it was wrong or bad.

At school I had always been picked on.  Was taller, fatter, and not as pretty as the other girls. My parents always told me that I was beautiful and pretty so I just assumed my parents were lying to me. I wasn’t pretty, or worthy, and no one would ever want to spend their life with me. I wasn’t good enough. I eventually lost my virginity, and in middle school I started flirting with guys I would meet online and I would send them naked pictures so they would like me. I didn’t think it was that bad. No one wanted to kiss me, but when I would talk to older guys online, they liked me. They thought I was pretty, and funny, and they wanted to do things with me that none of the “pretty girls” had ever done..

I eventually lost my virginity to a boy I loved but he just wanted to sleep with me. I feel for the “bad boys.” I bought into the lie that if I slept with enough boys, eventually one would love me back. I never found one to love me back.

By around 16, I couldn’t manage a functional relationship. If we weren’t sleeping together, something was wrong. Or I would sleep with them and that would set the tone of the relationship.

I finally got to the point where God got through to me. I don’t know how or why God is so gracious to me. I don’t know why my parents never talked to me about what I was doing. All I know is, I love my parents more than life itself, and I am so glad God didn’t give up on me, and he didn’t let me give up on myself.

I’m sorry that this is messy. I’m sorry that I am messy..

You know what, no. I’m not sorry. I can’t say that the mess is what I love or what I crave, no. but the reconciliation, and the love I feel and know is there and is real when God brings me back, is better than the ideas of perfection. It’s better than trying to have the “pretty girls” or the “hot guys” like me. I like me. I need me. I need love. And now, I know exactly where to get it..

I don't want to share this with you. I didn't wake up this morning and think, "Hey! That would be fun!" But somehow God gave me this story, and who am I to decide what gets shared and what doesn't?

I hope you come to a place, where it feels real. I hope you come to know, that transparency, is not the end. This does not end on a bad note. This is just the beginning. Roots are digging, and they are going down deep.

Lead me not into temptation, but deliver me from evil.

Peace to you,

Dorothy.

12.15.13.

A Very Unnecessary Update..

I am really tired. I think I should go to bad but I have to take a shower. I haven’t showered in probably like 3 days except for that little lay in the bath tub I took earlier today to soothe my cramps. Is that weird? I feel like that might be weird.. Oh well.

 

Okay, so I have been really good. I really wanna go to Rwanda but I wake up wanting to be there, I go to bed the same way, it doesn’t stop. I hope it never does. But finals are over, so here we are.

Almost Christmas, I really don’t like the idea of American Christmas. I don’t like the idea of feeling like I have to give away all kinds of stuff to people to make them happy. I just really don’t like it. Oh well.

I got a type writer! That was something exhilarating. I’ve been chugging coffee lately and I want nothing more than to rekindle my love of tea again so I can sleep and not feel like a 12 year old with a pack of pixie sticks..

I wanna get back to feeling like me. Back to my overly sensible shoes, my plain hair and being more of a mother than a child. I’m ready to leave the America again. I have to go get a TB test soon for Haiti.

I am for the first time since it really counts an A+ student which surprised me immensely. If I wasn’t constantly focusing on going to Rwanda, I probably would enjoy college a lot more. I still like it.

I keep telling myself ever since my recent adventure using American transportation that I wanna ride the train up to Albuquerque and ride the bus over to the Rescue Mission for the homeless to volunteer on Monday’s and Wednesday’s since next semester I only go Tuesday’s and Thursday’s and people keep telling me that’s not a good idea to do that alone, so if I’m feeling like myself, I probably will do it. I don’t know.

I get one free moment and decide I want to do more. I wonder if I sound as crazy as I feel? I’m so ready for summer so I can get up early and go wash and hang my clothes up outside early again!

Alright, I guess this update thingy is done. I’ll be blogging better stuff later, probably starting tomorrow, maybe not.. I’m a loose cannon at this point!

Peace to you tonight,

Dorothy York.

12-13-13