Today, Is Full Circle..

This might suck since I'm posting this from my phone in the middle of a concert at church but I need to post this before I forget it.
This concert is somewhat of a symbolic one for me.
I spent four on and off years in a relationship with a wonderful man of God I still have a hard time leaving. This man gave so much of himself to try to help me recover. He loved me, and showed me how a real man treats a woman. It's so weird to think of him as a man but that's what he is now.
I haven't listened to country music since we broke it off for good in fear of calling him. I miss him every day and I've spent the past few years fighting anger against god because he's calling me to move away from him and calling me alone.
It isn't fair. I know that. God knows that. He knows that.
This concert is a county gospel concert at my church and I have always had a weakness for cowboys. He was the first cowboy to treat me good. He was my best friend for so long..
Going to this concert I was really scared that I would immediately call him and beg for him to come back. But sitting here, I'm reminded of the day i gave my life over to Christ.
It was in this same little church in Peralta and at a country gospel concert by a band caled Desert Reign. I went up to the altar, cried, and gave up. It didn't stop my constant partying, drinking, smoking, or promiscuity; but it gave me a little glimmer of hope. It confirmed that I still believed in God and in my own 14 year old way, I knew I would eventually turn my life over to him.

I don't know when you turned your life over to Christ. I don't know if you have. One thing I do know, is that it's kind of like a circle. It's come full circle. I've come full circle.

It is worth it, and I really don't know what else to say. (:

Peace to you tonight,
Dorothy.
3.22.14.

Dear Future Husband..

If you do exist,
Hello.

I don't mean that in a fifteen year old, "no one will ever love me" way,
I mean that in the most literal sense.

How are you? How is Africa? Where are you guys at?
I'm serious, I can't picture my life without Africa. I can't picture my future without it being in Africa.
I really do hope immensely that you guys are there, and that you love it, and you never come back to America (to live).

I hope you're handsome, I know that's shallow, but I mean come on, it's true.
How much do you love me? More importantly, how much do you love God? How much time each day do you spend to just be with him and in his presence? That's the one thing that matters to me more than Africa, or mission work, or anything else. Strip it all away, I don't care. I just want a relationship filled to the brim with God, and joy, and the love of Christ Jesus overflowing from it, to where it has to be shared with others. It's impossible to not share it.

I am having such a hard time being here. I mean, yes in America. But I almost feel ridiculous saying that. There is so much for me to explore.

I just feel stuck.

I feel stuck in my life and in myself.

God, I just want to cut my matted hair out!!  It's so annoying! I don't know why I ever thought glued-in hair extensions were a good idea!

I'm almost embarrassed to admit that having those made me feel like it was okay to love myself.

I really don't like looking back to who I was. Make-up, hair extensions, nails, and so mean. I'm ashamed..

I've had times where I was running away from Christ's call for weeks, and in the middle of the night stop running, focus so hard on him, and the next morning have makeup running down my face, fake nails half-way cut off, and hair extensions on the floor.

I should have called this blog "Confessions of a Recovering American Teenager."

I know, funny right? I really don't like the idea of America. You probably know that, and I probably spend forever talking about it but I'm going to again.

I don't understand it. I feel like after going to Ecuador and Haiti and the Navajo Nation, I don't fit into it anymore. I'm out of my original culture, and I am trying to fit into another one, the problem is that I'm still here in America while I attend college.

I went on my Emmaus walk, and it really made me realize how far God will go to "woo" me. We had so much agape love, and this fantastic meal, and a candlelight ceremony and one big thing I realized is that I deserve to love the relationship I am in.

I want someone who wants me, not because I have a pretty smile, and I am funny, but for the bigger things.
For the fact that I want to spend my life in service to others.
For my love of Africa and children.

And someone who shares that love of Africa.

I hope you love Africa, and when I leave, you still will.

I don't want you to love Africa for me, but for the fact that God has placed Africa in your heart the same way he has mine.  I believe it.

I believe you're real, and you are who God wants me to walk with and worship him in new ways together. I have a lot I could say to you.

Sometimes, I think it would be nice if this could be easy. We could meet now, and settle down here, because that is very convenient, but I don't want that. I was the difficult. I want to have a love as big as Africa, and I want to fight for you every minute.

I hope you are as happy with me as I am with you, and I hope you don't want to kill me in my sleep. (:

Have fun living YOUR and OUR dreams in Africa!(:

Peace to you tonight,
Dorothy.
3.18.14.

Thoughts on the DR Congo..

Everyone knows Dorothy is moving to Rwanda.

But what many don't know, is that there is still another place in my heart, and I am relying on God to decipher in me where he ultimately wants me to be.

The much larger country to the west of Rwanda is the Democratic Republic of Congo, and for about as long as I've been focused on Invisible Children, God, and Rwanda, I have been amazed by the DR Congo as well.

For my multi-cultural education final, we have to prepare a lesson plan for the grade level we will be teaching at, and I decided to make mine about the people I will be teaching, the things I will most likely be teaching, and various things I will experience as a teacher in Rwanda, and while I was looking up educational stats in Rwanda, I decided to start looking into the DR Congo's as well.

DR Congo's educational system is in shambles. Many schools have shut down in fear of rebel armies stealing the children, millions of children live on the streets without even an orphanage to come to, and one thing I found very interesting, there is an epidemic of people accusing children of witchcraft in order to be able to get rid of the children.

Reading all of this, and taking this in, all I could think was, maybe God sent me to Ecuador to see the street children and orphans, and to Haiti, to work with the child slaves, and to see and hear the voodoo, because maybe he knew, and he was preparing me for this call.

I am constantly shocked at the lack of movement in the DR Congo from the international community. I came upon a quote today by a man named Kyle Idleman, which says, "I know that this is a huge issue to tackle, but when you look that kind of desperation in the face, you find out what your faith means to you."

I love Rwanda with a passion that is hotter than fire, but I love the call to the Congo. I am falling in love with pictures, and videos, and stories of the country, it's people, and their lives.

I am not sure where I will end up weather it be Rwanda or DR Congo, all I know is that I am going with my God, and he will never fail.

"God calls us all in some way or another, but for me that call is to "let the little children come to me" (Idleman).

I'm not sure, but it's an optimistic unsure.

Peace to you tonight,
Dorothy.
3.11.14.