Sobriety in College..

Well, it’s been interesting lately.

College is way fun, and I am so glad God kept me alive for this experience. I know some people who really wanted me to pursue mission work right after high school, but I know this is something God is calling me to.

My sophomore year of high school (what I can remember of it) was a mess to say the least. It’s a blur of boys, pills, parties, and cutting.

I started writing these letters to God and I kept promising him that once I graduated from high school I would get myself into rehab if he would just let me live cause at that time, I really didn’t know (or care) what would have happened to me (thankfully, I’m still here lol).

Anyways, I was extremely nervous to start college. You know, all the parties, and just everything you come up against, and being a Christian is just really hard.

I honestly thought going to college, meant I would immediately start partying again, and lose my scholarship, and just fail. But I didn’t ( and granted it’s two weeks into the semester), but I have a focus that somehow, is on me and my future, but at the same time God.

Like, I do my homework, and I don’t go whoring myself out like old days,

And I don’t party, or touch pills, or cut, or any of that stuff.

And I wear my sobriety chip around my neck with pride that I didn’t ‘narc’ out.

I got help. I went through the recovery, and the pain, and the self-hatred, and the rehab, with God.

In houses. In churches. In busses, and vans, and cars, and with random people I never thought I would need to tell my story to, but I did.

My story is weird.

A lot of times I feel like it was a dream. Like I am the me right now that I’ve always been.

But I’m not.

And I look down on my arms to see a million little scars still healing, and lies I’ve sown into my body that are still trying to fight their way back into my life.

I don’t know.

I just still feel God.

And that is a lot more than I thought would have happened at this point.

I don’t know.

I like school. I like to feel the warmth of a professor when you are that ONE kid in class who says thank you, and please, and doesn’t back sass.

I love to see people smile.

I love to talk to my peers and not really pray, or hope, or anything big.

Just to be there. In that moment.

To be an example of a Jesus I know, who loved me in the gutters of my soul, and loves every part of theirs.

To love.

To live.

To be in those moments that we will forever remember as the years we decided who we would soon be.

I hope I make it.

I hope I get through it sober.

I hope I see my friends again tomorrow.

I don’t know.

Peace to you tonight,

Dorothy.

8.26.13.

I'm Not Sure What This Crap Is..

I have the right to choose Jesus.

I know, Sunday School didn't really work well on my. The little "I choose Jesus" songs didn't do their job I guess. whatever.

I'm 18. I'm starting college, and man, did I used to party.

I loved being the center of attention, and being "that girl", and my only saving grace was that my parents took me out of high school.

And now, I'm starting college, and even before hand, I have slipped, and given into the temptations of being a college student.

I am so sick of it.

And it's like I have the right to choose any religion, and focus I want, except Jesus.

Like, I can worship my left pinky toe, and say it's my God, and it seems like people would respect that more than Jesus. I'm trying.

I don't like the girl I've been. I don't want to go back to being 'American Dorothy'.

I am so sick of giving into the pressure. I am so sick and fu*king tired of wishing that God couldn't see what I am doing, because I am embarrassed.

I miss the Dorothy that was in Haiti, giving herself away.

That's the real me. That's the me I want to be, every day, for the rest of my life.

Ugh. I don't know.

Bye.