Transparency..

Lately, I’ve just been feeling like I need to reset my foundation in Christ.

I don’t want lies. I’m getting to the point where my relationship with Christ is taking root deeper, and buried really deep are lies and secrets I have always been to prideful to let people know about.

Tonight I found a quote that says, “Perhaps we should meet each other where it hurts. Maybe we belong in the places we don’t want to share.” I find this so true.

I know it is true.. God wants the truth. God demands and deserves such a respect for him, and such transparency that we have no choice but to be willing to be vulnerable. At least that’s what I believe.

There are a lot of things that hurt me that I’ve experienced that I don’t talk about. But I think it’s time I do. I think it’s time I really be transparent..

I guess starting with the one I feel like is the biggest, or I guess which one hurts me the most is the fact that I have been struggling for years with a sexual addiction.

When I was 6 years old, I figured out on my own what masturbation was and I honestly still didn’t know what it was, I just knew it felt weird. No one talked to me about it.

Pretty soon, I found out once again on my own what pornography was and I realized that if I put the two together, it felt pretty good. I started watching it when I was about 8 and I am still struggling with it. I never really had any preference, girls, boys, didn’t matter. It all worked. I didn’t know it was wrong or bad.

At school I had always been picked on.  Was taller, fatter, and not as pretty as the other girls. My parents always told me that I was beautiful and pretty so I just assumed my parents were lying to me. I wasn’t pretty, or worthy, and no one would ever want to spend their life with me. I wasn’t good enough. I eventually lost my virginity, and in middle school I started flirting with guys I would meet online and I would send them naked pictures so they would like me. I didn’t think it was that bad. No one wanted to kiss me, but when I would talk to older guys online, they liked me. They thought I was pretty, and funny, and they wanted to do things with me that none of the “pretty girls” had ever done..

I eventually lost my virginity to a boy I loved but he just wanted to sleep with me. I feel for the “bad boys.” I bought into the lie that if I slept with enough boys, eventually one would love me back. I never found one to love me back.

By around 16, I couldn’t manage a functional relationship. If we weren’t sleeping together, something was wrong. Or I would sleep with them and that would set the tone of the relationship.

I finally got to the point where God got through to me. I don’t know how or why God is so gracious to me. I don’t know why my parents never talked to me about what I was doing. All I know is, I love my parents more than life itself, and I am so glad God didn’t give up on me, and he didn’t let me give up on myself.

I’m sorry that this is messy. I’m sorry that I am messy..

You know what, no. I’m not sorry. I can’t say that the mess is what I love or what I crave, no. but the reconciliation, and the love I feel and know is there and is real when God brings me back, is better than the ideas of perfection. It’s better than trying to have the “pretty girls” or the “hot guys” like me. I like me. I need me. I need love. And now, I know exactly where to get it..

I don't want to share this with you. I didn't wake up this morning and think, "Hey! That would be fun!" But somehow God gave me this story, and who am I to decide what gets shared and what doesn't?

I hope you come to a place, where it feels real. I hope you come to know, that transparency, is not the end. This does not end on a bad note. This is just the beginning. Roots are digging, and they are going down deep.

Lead me not into temptation, but deliver me from evil.

Peace to you,

Dorothy.

12.15.13.

A Very Unnecessary Update..

I am really tired. I think I should go to bad but I have to take a shower. I haven’t showered in probably like 3 days except for that little lay in the bath tub I took earlier today to soothe my cramps. Is that weird? I feel like that might be weird.. Oh well.

 

Okay, so I have been really good. I really wanna go to Rwanda but I wake up wanting to be there, I go to bed the same way, it doesn’t stop. I hope it never does. But finals are over, so here we are.

Almost Christmas, I really don’t like the idea of American Christmas. I don’t like the idea of feeling like I have to give away all kinds of stuff to people to make them happy. I just really don’t like it. Oh well.

I got a type writer! That was something exhilarating. I’ve been chugging coffee lately and I want nothing more than to rekindle my love of tea again so I can sleep and not feel like a 12 year old with a pack of pixie sticks..

I wanna get back to feeling like me. Back to my overly sensible shoes, my plain hair and being more of a mother than a child. I’m ready to leave the America again. I have to go get a TB test soon for Haiti.

I am for the first time since it really counts an A+ student which surprised me immensely. If I wasn’t constantly focusing on going to Rwanda, I probably would enjoy college a lot more. I still like it.

I keep telling myself ever since my recent adventure using American transportation that I wanna ride the train up to Albuquerque and ride the bus over to the Rescue Mission for the homeless to volunteer on Monday’s and Wednesday’s since next semester I only go Tuesday’s and Thursday’s and people keep telling me that’s not a good idea to do that alone, so if I’m feeling like myself, I probably will do it. I don’t know.

I get one free moment and decide I want to do more. I wonder if I sound as crazy as I feel? I’m so ready for summer so I can get up early and go wash and hang my clothes up outside early again!

Alright, I guess this update thingy is done. I’ll be blogging better stuff later, probably starting tomorrow, maybe not.. I’m a loose cannon at this point!

Peace to you tonight,

Dorothy York.

12-13-13

So I'll Run..

I have decided to start running…

And before you ask, no. I have no intentions on running a marathon, or a triathlon, or any of that other witchcraft.

I just was watching a video and a guy was running, and I thought, “Hey, that looks easy.”

And I know it will so not be easy, but that’s the point. I have always hated running, and what if, before I leave for Rwanda, I confront all of the things I hate, and fear?

I’m going to do it. Sort of a preliminary bucket list. I am going to leave this country, not hating a thing, or at least having a better respect for everything.

I bought some running shoes, and some hiking boots. Before I leave, I want to run some trails at the Bosque, the Sandia’s, the Manzano’s, and I want to at least not feel terrible doing it.

This is somewhat of a Forrest Gump type thing I guess.

But I think it’ll be good!(:

Peace to you,

Dorothy.

11.12.13

Moving Forward..

     This morning, I woke up to my mom asleep in bed, the house quiet, and nothing done yet. Which I guess isn't that odd for some, but not in my family. I always felt like I woke up late compared to my family, but whenever I stay the night at someone's house, I realized that I wake up "ridiculously early!" as they would say it.
     But this morning she was asleep, and I asked her how last night was. Last night, she had a meeting with my aunt to finalize her divorce. And it actually started at 9 a.m. and went till 3 a.m. the next morning. But as she said they got it finalized, and it hit me.
     The way she looked, like she was just dead on her feet, but joyful, I think I have that a lot. Especially when I'm doing something for God.
     When you come back from a mission trip:
     It's pretty much like, well for me, it's my future, so it's like I spend a day flying, which I'm not too big a fan of, then you get there, are for a few hours are incredibly uncomfortable, it's either too hot, or too cold. It always smells funny, there are people bombarding you at the air port, then you get to where you're staying, and it's usually a very nice house, with either no heat, or no air conditioning. Then after a while, you don't really get used to it, you become a part of it. In America, everyone is encouraged to "be different," there, you become one with the people. You dance like they dance, dress, their dress, speak (very badly) their language, and for the time that you're their, that is your home, that is your life, that is your family.
     Then you get to the last day, packing, crying, hugging, telling stories, getting Facebook names, e-mails, and other things. There is so much emotion and for most, they are ready to leave and see spouses, children, friends, their own bed. And while that is true for you too, it's like being kicked out of the garden of Eden. It's your future, maybe not in that exact place, but it's like job shadowing you're dream job, and it's fun, and you are so excited and joyful, then all of a sudden you're working at McDonald's for the rest of your life (I mean no offense to McDonald's workers).
     It can be really depressing. I cried for about two weeks after I got back from Haiti, and I think the they were a mix of joy for what we had done and been able to see, sadness for the things we could do nothing about, missing the people and the places we had been, and sadness for having to come back to America.
     A mission trip, is a beautiful thing for the one who goes on it, and if you go with the right organization, it may be one of the best things you've ever done. I am a total supporter of mission trips, because that was where God gave me the confidence to fully peruse mission work as my life. It just makes me think of the saying, "There is joy in the journey."
     Go on your journeys, and go boldly, and go knowing you are loved, and the world is out there waiting for you. You are the only thing holding yourself back. You are in control of your destiny. You hold the keys, all you need to do is go forward with the.
     Go in grace.
Peace to you,
Dorothy.
11.12.13

Today..

So this morning I woke up, and did my normal Sunday thing.

Yesterday at the UMW meeting the older women in the church went for my idea of a missions committee and basically, what we are doing is every year partnering with one mission here in Valencia county, and one overseas like Respire Haiti, or Oswaldo and Deniese. And I’m super excited cause I was elected I guess you could to be the leader of it, but to me, I need to give more each day.

Just volunteering for something, no matter how big of a commitment it may be, is not enough.

And today I was praying that someone would cross my path somehow, or I would cross their path, and I could help. In some small way.

I wanted to feel that closeness to God that I haven’t felt in months, and that only comes through serving his children.

As you may know, I am in the process of selling everything I own on Ebay, and moving to Rwanda after college, and today a lady sent me an offer on some jeans and begged me to accept her offer. I did, and she offered me some money on a few other things.

She started messaging me things like, “I pray these jeans fit.” And “I need clothes!!”

She is a single mother who lives back east where it actually gets snow in the winter, and I don’t know what that’s like, but if I didn’t have jeans, there would be many pity parties in the snow.

But anyways, she started telling me about how she puts all her money to bills and then she only has about $20 at the end of the month to spend on her and her daughter.

I immediately thought, “Hey, I’m selling a few more pairs of jeans. I can end those items, and send them to her too. She needs them more and God will provide for me.”

So I ended a few more sales, and for the extra $10 shipping, I sent her two more pairs of jeans, 3 more shirts, and a letter with $36 to spend on her and her daughter.

She has saved for 5 months to buy one pair of jeans and two tops..

I don’t know what that might feel like.

I’ve never lived paycheck to paycheck. In fact, I’m extremely wealthy compared to where I will soon call home.

I guess this is a story of how faithful God is.

All day, I was asking like a little kid for someone I could help, just so I could feel that closeness to God again. He is what I long for, always.

I guess that’s why raising donations are so important to missionaries, because once you get to the point where you are begging to give yourself away, giving your income, food, and clothing is not that much of a sacrifice. But you still need the funds. But through family, and friends, God always provides.

I don’t know what it feels like to not eat for three days.

I don’t know what it feels like to long for a pair of jeans in the winter time.

I don’t know what no roof over my head might feel like, and I really don’t know the sting of not being able to feed my children.

I just want to be there for anyone who is feeling that. Here is America, and anywhere I go.

I don’t ever again want to close my eyes, ears and hands to the oppressed and the poor.

I don’t ever want to find out what living for a job, or a raise, or a man feels like. Unless that man is Jesus.

I want to feel life and life abundantly, and that will cost me everything..

If this is my cross, then this is me picking it up.

Peace to you,

10.20.13.

We Are Not Just Saved..

Tonight I have been listening to a podcast from David Platt called, “Two Simple Words: Follow Me.”

He was talking on Matthew 13:44

"The kingdom of heaven is like treasure hidden in a field. When a man found it, he hid it again, and then in his joy went and sold all he had and bought that field.”

And I’ve heard this verse a lot, but when he started talking about being a true disciple, and going out into the world, when he started reading the verse and said the word treasure, I had Africa pop into my head.

The country, the children, the dirt, the lifestyles, the languages, and everything else I’ve ever learned about it.

That is my treasure in the field. That is my pearl. That is what I leave my entire first-world way of living to get. I trade everything! I sell it all!

 I don’t want anything else for the rest of my life but to love and to live in and for God through Africa.

I think the idea of finding our treasure in our metaphoric field that connects us to the kingdom of God in such ways that it’s unimaginable, is wonderful, and exciting, and makes us so motivated to find it..

But it’s so scary! I mean, seriously!

And I’m not trying to talk you out of seeking for your treasure, but for real!

Think about it! You find something, or someone, or somewhere that makes you move so much that you sell everything that hinders your opportunity to get to that place, to get to that person, or those people, or anything else, that you find your love waiting for you, and God put it there just waiting for you to give what it takes to get it.

But what it takes, what it costs, is everything!

We are not just fogiven!

That is an American gospel. That is a deluted gospel.

We are not just saved from our sins. We are saved from our sins, we are saved from the American dream, we are saved from loving our big screen tv’s, we are saved from putting our lives into our trucks, and we are saved from ourselves. We are saved so we can show the grace and mercy of Christ around us.

He is our motivation, and he is our goal.

Our goal, is radical abandonment.

Not more stuff.

Peace to you tonight,

Dorothy.

10.1.13

I fell in Love, With The Love of my Life..

Alright. So I'm back home from Franko's ranch, and this year, I really learned something about myself.

Every year I go up there, and I mean, I love to dance. I don't stop dancing 'till the music goes off, but being around all of the cowboys makes me miss my little American dream.

Let me paint the picture for you.

there's a boy, I've been on and off with since I was 14, he's a cowboy, and everything I could ever want, if I was chasing a life in America.

I still miss him a lot of the time, but I am chasing Africa.

I'm chasing all the dreams I've ever had and I know he is amazing, but even he's said if I move to Africa, he will move on.

But anyways, I always get up there with everyone and I get swept up in the country music and I always convince myself that I miss him so much that I need to call him when I get service when I get back to Belen, and that would be such a great idea, and I did, but I realized I don't need him to love me again.

I found a new love.

I fell in love with a God that is so beautiful, and moves in so many different ways and always has his little hands moving here in my life.

I fell in love with a God who allows me to fall in love with everyone I see, and he allows me to give myself to so many different people, and so many different people fill me back up again and again after I pour myself out over and over again for those around me.

I fell in love with a God who took a broken, sick, hurt, cut up soul and loved it so much that the scars, and bruises don't matter, and no one has to see that anymore.

I fell in love with a God who loves me so much, and chases my affections so much that there will never be a place that I can run to to escape his love.

I fell in love with a God, who never gives up on me. And never wonders why I'm still single, and why I won't date anyone.

I fell in love, with the love of my life.
And I've never felt so joyful.

Peace to you tonight,
Dorothy.
9.29.13.