Today, Is Full Circle..

This might suck since I'm posting this from my phone in the middle of a concert at church but I need to post this before I forget it.
This concert is somewhat of a symbolic one for me.
I spent four on and off years in a relationship with a wonderful man of God I still have a hard time leaving. This man gave so much of himself to try to help me recover. He loved me, and showed me how a real man treats a woman. It's so weird to think of him as a man but that's what he is now.
I haven't listened to country music since we broke it off for good in fear of calling him. I miss him every day and I've spent the past few years fighting anger against god because he's calling me to move away from him and calling me alone.
It isn't fair. I know that. God knows that. He knows that.
This concert is a county gospel concert at my church and I have always had a weakness for cowboys. He was the first cowboy to treat me good. He was my best friend for so long..
Going to this concert I was really scared that I would immediately call him and beg for him to come back. But sitting here, I'm reminded of the day i gave my life over to Christ.
It was in this same little church in Peralta and at a country gospel concert by a band caled Desert Reign. I went up to the altar, cried, and gave up. It didn't stop my constant partying, drinking, smoking, or promiscuity; but it gave me a little glimmer of hope. It confirmed that I still believed in God and in my own 14 year old way, I knew I would eventually turn my life over to him.

I don't know when you turned your life over to Christ. I don't know if you have. One thing I do know, is that it's kind of like a circle. It's come full circle. I've come full circle.

It is worth it, and I really don't know what else to say. (:

Peace to you tonight,
Dorothy.
3.22.14.

Dear Future Husband..

If you do exist,
Hello.

I don't mean that in a fifteen year old, "no one will ever love me" way,
I mean that in the most literal sense.

How are you? How is Africa? Where are you guys at?
I'm serious, I can't picture my life without Africa. I can't picture my future without it being in Africa.
I really do hope immensely that you guys are there, and that you love it, and you never come back to America (to live).

I hope you're handsome, I know that's shallow, but I mean come on, it's true.
How much do you love me? More importantly, how much do you love God? How much time each day do you spend to just be with him and in his presence? That's the one thing that matters to me more than Africa, or mission work, or anything else. Strip it all away, I don't care. I just want a relationship filled to the brim with God, and joy, and the love of Christ Jesus overflowing from it, to where it has to be shared with others. It's impossible to not share it.

I am having such a hard time being here. I mean, yes in America. But I almost feel ridiculous saying that. There is so much for me to explore.

I just feel stuck.

I feel stuck in my life and in myself.

God, I just want to cut my matted hair out!!  It's so annoying! I don't know why I ever thought glued-in hair extensions were a good idea!

I'm almost embarrassed to admit that having those made me feel like it was okay to love myself.

I really don't like looking back to who I was. Make-up, hair extensions, nails, and so mean. I'm ashamed..

I've had times where I was running away from Christ's call for weeks, and in the middle of the night stop running, focus so hard on him, and the next morning have makeup running down my face, fake nails half-way cut off, and hair extensions on the floor.

I should have called this blog "Confessions of a Recovering American Teenager."

I know, funny right? I really don't like the idea of America. You probably know that, and I probably spend forever talking about it but I'm going to again.

I don't understand it. I feel like after going to Ecuador and Haiti and the Navajo Nation, I don't fit into it anymore. I'm out of my original culture, and I am trying to fit into another one, the problem is that I'm still here in America while I attend college.

I went on my Emmaus walk, and it really made me realize how far God will go to "woo" me. We had so much agape love, and this fantastic meal, and a candlelight ceremony and one big thing I realized is that I deserve to love the relationship I am in.

I want someone who wants me, not because I have a pretty smile, and I am funny, but for the bigger things.
For the fact that I want to spend my life in service to others.
For my love of Africa and children.

And someone who shares that love of Africa.

I hope you love Africa, and when I leave, you still will.

I don't want you to love Africa for me, but for the fact that God has placed Africa in your heart the same way he has mine.  I believe it.

I believe you're real, and you are who God wants me to walk with and worship him in new ways together. I have a lot I could say to you.

Sometimes, I think it would be nice if this could be easy. We could meet now, and settle down here, because that is very convenient, but I don't want that. I was the difficult. I want to have a love as big as Africa, and I want to fight for you every minute.

I hope you are as happy with me as I am with you, and I hope you don't want to kill me in my sleep. (:

Have fun living YOUR and OUR dreams in Africa!(:

Peace to you tonight,
Dorothy.
3.18.14.

Thoughts on the DR Congo..

Everyone knows Dorothy is moving to Rwanda.

But what many don't know, is that there is still another place in my heart, and I am relying on God to decipher in me where he ultimately wants me to be.

The much larger country to the west of Rwanda is the Democratic Republic of Congo, and for about as long as I've been focused on Invisible Children, God, and Rwanda, I have been amazed by the DR Congo as well.

For my multi-cultural education final, we have to prepare a lesson plan for the grade level we will be teaching at, and I decided to make mine about the people I will be teaching, the things I will most likely be teaching, and various things I will experience as a teacher in Rwanda, and while I was looking up educational stats in Rwanda, I decided to start looking into the DR Congo's as well.

DR Congo's educational system is in shambles. Many schools have shut down in fear of rebel armies stealing the children, millions of children live on the streets without even an orphanage to come to, and one thing I found very interesting, there is an epidemic of people accusing children of witchcraft in order to be able to get rid of the children.

Reading all of this, and taking this in, all I could think was, maybe God sent me to Ecuador to see the street children and orphans, and to Haiti, to work with the child slaves, and to see and hear the voodoo, because maybe he knew, and he was preparing me for this call.

I am constantly shocked at the lack of movement in the DR Congo from the international community. I came upon a quote today by a man named Kyle Idleman, which says, "I know that this is a huge issue to tackle, but when you look that kind of desperation in the face, you find out what your faith means to you."

I love Rwanda with a passion that is hotter than fire, but I love the call to the Congo. I am falling in love with pictures, and videos, and stories of the country, it's people, and their lives.

I am not sure where I will end up weather it be Rwanda or DR Congo, all I know is that I am going with my God, and he will never fail.

"God calls us all in some way or another, but for me that call is to "let the little children come to me" (Idleman).

I'm not sure, but it's an optimistic unsure.

Peace to you tonight,
Dorothy.
3.11.14.

Transparency..

Lately, I’ve just been feeling like I need to reset my foundation in Christ.

I don’t want lies. I’m getting to the point where my relationship with Christ is taking root deeper, and buried really deep are lies and secrets I have always been to prideful to let people know about.

Tonight I found a quote that says, “Perhaps we should meet each other where it hurts. Maybe we belong in the places we don’t want to share.” I find this so true.

I know it is true.. God wants the truth. God demands and deserves such a respect for him, and such transparency that we have no choice but to be willing to be vulnerable. At least that’s what I believe.

There are a lot of things that hurt me that I’ve experienced that I don’t talk about. But I think it’s time I do. I think it’s time I really be transparent..

I guess starting with the one I feel like is the biggest, or I guess which one hurts me the most is the fact that I have been struggling for years with a sexual addiction.

When I was 6 years old, I figured out on my own what masturbation was and I honestly still didn’t know what it was, I just knew it felt weird. No one talked to me about it.

Pretty soon, I found out once again on my own what pornography was and I realized that if I put the two together, it felt pretty good. I started watching it when I was about 8 and I am still struggling with it. I never really had any preference, girls, boys, didn’t matter. It all worked. I didn’t know it was wrong or bad.

At school I had always been picked on.  Was taller, fatter, and not as pretty as the other girls. My parents always told me that I was beautiful and pretty so I just assumed my parents were lying to me. I wasn’t pretty, or worthy, and no one would ever want to spend their life with me. I wasn’t good enough. I eventually lost my virginity, and in middle school I started flirting with guys I would meet online and I would send them naked pictures so they would like me. I didn’t think it was that bad. No one wanted to kiss me, but when I would talk to older guys online, they liked me. They thought I was pretty, and funny, and they wanted to do things with me that none of the “pretty girls” had ever done..

I eventually lost my virginity to a boy I loved but he just wanted to sleep with me. I feel for the “bad boys.” I bought into the lie that if I slept with enough boys, eventually one would love me back. I never found one to love me back.

By around 16, I couldn’t manage a functional relationship. If we weren’t sleeping together, something was wrong. Or I would sleep with them and that would set the tone of the relationship.

I finally got to the point where God got through to me. I don’t know how or why God is so gracious to me. I don’t know why my parents never talked to me about what I was doing. All I know is, I love my parents more than life itself, and I am so glad God didn’t give up on me, and he didn’t let me give up on myself.

I’m sorry that this is messy. I’m sorry that I am messy..

You know what, no. I’m not sorry. I can’t say that the mess is what I love or what I crave, no. but the reconciliation, and the love I feel and know is there and is real when God brings me back, is better than the ideas of perfection. It’s better than trying to have the “pretty girls” or the “hot guys” like me. I like me. I need me. I need love. And now, I know exactly where to get it..

I don't want to share this with you. I didn't wake up this morning and think, "Hey! That would be fun!" But somehow God gave me this story, and who am I to decide what gets shared and what doesn't?

I hope you come to a place, where it feels real. I hope you come to know, that transparency, is not the end. This does not end on a bad note. This is just the beginning. Roots are digging, and they are going down deep.

Lead me not into temptation, but deliver me from evil.

Peace to you,

Dorothy.

12.15.13.

A Very Unnecessary Update..

I am really tired. I think I should go to bad but I have to take a shower. I haven’t showered in probably like 3 days except for that little lay in the bath tub I took earlier today to soothe my cramps. Is that weird? I feel like that might be weird.. Oh well.

 

Okay, so I have been really good. I really wanna go to Rwanda but I wake up wanting to be there, I go to bed the same way, it doesn’t stop. I hope it never does. But finals are over, so here we are.

Almost Christmas, I really don’t like the idea of American Christmas. I don’t like the idea of feeling like I have to give away all kinds of stuff to people to make them happy. I just really don’t like it. Oh well.

I got a type writer! That was something exhilarating. I’ve been chugging coffee lately and I want nothing more than to rekindle my love of tea again so I can sleep and not feel like a 12 year old with a pack of pixie sticks..

I wanna get back to feeling like me. Back to my overly sensible shoes, my plain hair and being more of a mother than a child. I’m ready to leave the America again. I have to go get a TB test soon for Haiti.

I am for the first time since it really counts an A+ student which surprised me immensely. If I wasn’t constantly focusing on going to Rwanda, I probably would enjoy college a lot more. I still like it.

I keep telling myself ever since my recent adventure using American transportation that I wanna ride the train up to Albuquerque and ride the bus over to the Rescue Mission for the homeless to volunteer on Monday’s and Wednesday’s since next semester I only go Tuesday’s and Thursday’s and people keep telling me that’s not a good idea to do that alone, so if I’m feeling like myself, I probably will do it. I don’t know.

I get one free moment and decide I want to do more. I wonder if I sound as crazy as I feel? I’m so ready for summer so I can get up early and go wash and hang my clothes up outside early again!

Alright, I guess this update thingy is done. I’ll be blogging better stuff later, probably starting tomorrow, maybe not.. I’m a loose cannon at this point!

Peace to you tonight,

Dorothy York.

12-13-13

So I'll Run..

I have decided to start running…

And before you ask, no. I have no intentions on running a marathon, or a triathlon, or any of that other witchcraft.

I just was watching a video and a guy was running, and I thought, “Hey, that looks easy.”

And I know it will so not be easy, but that’s the point. I have always hated running, and what if, before I leave for Rwanda, I confront all of the things I hate, and fear?

I’m going to do it. Sort of a preliminary bucket list. I am going to leave this country, not hating a thing, or at least having a better respect for everything.

I bought some running shoes, and some hiking boots. Before I leave, I want to run some trails at the Bosque, the Sandia’s, the Manzano’s, and I want to at least not feel terrible doing it.

This is somewhat of a Forrest Gump type thing I guess.

But I think it’ll be good!(:

Peace to you,

Dorothy.

11.12.13

Moving Forward..

     This morning, I woke up to my mom asleep in bed, the house quiet, and nothing done yet. Which I guess isn't that odd for some, but not in my family. I always felt like I woke up late compared to my family, but whenever I stay the night at someone's house, I realized that I wake up "ridiculously early!" as they would say it.
     But this morning she was asleep, and I asked her how last night was. Last night, she had a meeting with my aunt to finalize her divorce. And it actually started at 9 a.m. and went till 3 a.m. the next morning. But as she said they got it finalized, and it hit me.
     The way she looked, like she was just dead on her feet, but joyful, I think I have that a lot. Especially when I'm doing something for God.
     When you come back from a mission trip:
     It's pretty much like, well for me, it's my future, so it's like I spend a day flying, which I'm not too big a fan of, then you get there, are for a few hours are incredibly uncomfortable, it's either too hot, or too cold. It always smells funny, there are people bombarding you at the air port, then you get to where you're staying, and it's usually a very nice house, with either no heat, or no air conditioning. Then after a while, you don't really get used to it, you become a part of it. In America, everyone is encouraged to "be different," there, you become one with the people. You dance like they dance, dress, their dress, speak (very badly) their language, and for the time that you're their, that is your home, that is your life, that is your family.
     Then you get to the last day, packing, crying, hugging, telling stories, getting Facebook names, e-mails, and other things. There is so much emotion and for most, they are ready to leave and see spouses, children, friends, their own bed. And while that is true for you too, it's like being kicked out of the garden of Eden. It's your future, maybe not in that exact place, but it's like job shadowing you're dream job, and it's fun, and you are so excited and joyful, then all of a sudden you're working at McDonald's for the rest of your life (I mean no offense to McDonald's workers).
     It can be really depressing. I cried for about two weeks after I got back from Haiti, and I think the they were a mix of joy for what we had done and been able to see, sadness for the things we could do nothing about, missing the people and the places we had been, and sadness for having to come back to America.
     A mission trip, is a beautiful thing for the one who goes on it, and if you go with the right organization, it may be one of the best things you've ever done. I am a total supporter of mission trips, because that was where God gave me the confidence to fully peruse mission work as my life. It just makes me think of the saying, "There is joy in the journey."
     Go on your journeys, and go boldly, and go knowing you are loved, and the world is out there waiting for you. You are the only thing holding yourself back. You are in control of your destiny. You hold the keys, all you need to do is go forward with the.
     Go in grace.
Peace to you,
Dorothy.
11.12.13