I fell in Love, With The Love of my Life..

Alright. So I'm back home from Franko's ranch, and this year, I really learned something about myself.

Every year I go up there, and I mean, I love to dance. I don't stop dancing 'till the music goes off, but being around all of the cowboys makes me miss my little American dream.

Let me paint the picture for you.

there's a boy, I've been on and off with since I was 14, he's a cowboy, and everything I could ever want, if I was chasing a life in America.

I still miss him a lot of the time, but I am chasing Africa.

I'm chasing all the dreams I've ever had and I know he is amazing, but even he's said if I move to Africa, he will move on.

But anyways, I always get up there with everyone and I get swept up in the country music and I always convince myself that I miss him so much that I need to call him when I get service when I get back to Belen, and that would be such a great idea, and I did, but I realized I don't need him to love me again.

I found a new love.

I fell in love with a God that is so beautiful, and moves in so many different ways and always has his little hands moving here in my life.

I fell in love with a God who allows me to fall in love with everyone I see, and he allows me to give myself to so many different people, and so many different people fill me back up again and again after I pour myself out over and over again for those around me.

I fell in love with a God who took a broken, sick, hurt, cut up soul and loved it so much that the scars, and bruises don't matter, and no one has to see that anymore.

I fell in love with a God who loves me so much, and chases my affections so much that there will never be a place that I can run to to escape his love.

I fell in love with a God, who never gives up on me. And never wonders why I'm still single, and why I won't date anyone.

I fell in love, with the love of my life.
And I've never felt so joyful.

Peace to you tonight,
Dorothy.
9.29.13.

Finding My Calling..

Have you ever had a moment in your life, when God says, "It's time."
And heaven opens up, and your answer to a question you weren't sure you had is right there in front of you? ...No?... Well, I guess that's not really what happened to me today. At least, that's not how I would explain the intensity of it.

I was walking out of math, around 4:15, just an ordinary Thursday.
And I had on a long flowey skirt that made me want to be in Africa, and I parked at the back of the south lot so I could enjoy my walk to my car, and call it God, or fate, or whatever you want to call it;

But I could not get the statistic that only around 1% of African girls ever get to go to college.

It just wouldn't quit.

And I was thinking about how much I really do enjoy college. It's fun, and I've learned so much about myself, and the people I surround myself with, and my future, and it was like God was saying, "Here you go. This is it. This is the reason I put you on this earth Dorothy. Listen to me you bone head! (Okay, I may have added that in myself.)

And I guess this is divine intervention, because lately, I've been really thinking about girls.
Sexism. Biases. Jokes, and just things that put girls in a box.

I've never been a feminist. In fact, they scare me. I grew up with men, I'm used to men, but something about the fact that only 1% of African girls even get the choice to go to college, made me mad.

And not American Mad.
And what I mean by American Mad is something I've noticed here in America.

We see things like genocide, mutilation, LRA, people killing their own people, girls in china just thrown to the side, and we think, "Holy crap!!! That sucks! Someone really needs to do something about that."

And then, we go back to dinner. Two and a Half Men is so much more important that those people who have no hope.

But it was God. And it was real. And I have no idea how I'm going to do it.

But I think God just showed me my calling...

Who knows, maybe we'll change the world.

Peace to you tonight,
Dorothy.
9.26.13.

A Letter to My Parents..

I write a lot of things, but I don't often write to or about my parents.
I think about them a lot. When I was going to Haiti, I had to stay the night in a Ft. Lauderdale hotel that was freezing, and even though I hadn't slept the night before, and even though my flight had landed after mid-night, and we had to get up at like 5 a.m. to go back to the airport;
I still insisted on staying up to re-pack my bag.
So I did, and in about the middle of my bag there were two letters.
One from my mom, and one from dad.
The one from mom talked about how proud my grandmother would be, and how proud she is of me.
The one from dad talked about being proud, and how people I meet will remember the young American girl who came to love.

I don't want to be a parent.  ever.
I mean, I don't want to have my own kids. I really don't.
I'm starting to realize, the call Paul made to stay single and go into the world, is one I have received.

But anyway, my parents are different.
I mean, I was a weird kid. I was crazy shy, then I was a star-student and athlete, then I was depressed and suicidal, then I was a party girl, then I decided I want to be a full-time missionary and leave America.
Okay, well, in my defense, I always knew I wanted to live in Africa, but I don't think it was ever really that serious until I went to Ecuador.
But anyway, I mean, how would you handle that as a parent?!

How would you feel knowing your child finally got better, and wasn't wanting to die every day, and now she wants to move somewhere where she might be killed any day?
I don't know. They're stronger than I am!

I don't ever want to be a parent, at least, not having my own biological kids.

I don't have a lot of words to give to my parents to say how greatful I am that they didn't raise me like my friends parents did, cause it would have never worked..

But I just want my parents to know and to remember, that wherever I may be, and wherever I may go, I will always be theirs.

Peace to you today,
Dorothy.
9.17.13

I'm Going to Rwanda!

"Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn.." or something of that nature.
well, I guess it's announcement time.
I am going to Rwanda alone.
there is no group going with me, and I am 18 and I have made my decision.
I am really excited, and I get to spend over 26 hours (not including layovers) in like 6 planes going to places I've never heard of.
I get to live my future, and I get to finally see Africa.
I get to see my future right in front of me.
Going alone, I get to customize my trip, and I have decided to spend as much time with Twizreimana as possible.
I get to go to her village and spend time with her and her family and friends, and have a meal with them in their home, and see where she gets her aids medicine, and where she goes to school, and I have never been more excited to go anywhere in my entire life.
this is what I have been working towards forever(:

So now I'm fundraising! Selling t-shirts, and working towards my goal! once I raise enough money to go I can call Compassion Intl. and start scheduling when I can leave!(:
So stay tuned, cause more is a'comin!!(:

Peace to you today,
Dorothy.
9.16.13

Sobriety in College..

Well, it’s been interesting lately.

College is way fun, and I am so glad God kept me alive for this experience. I know some people who really wanted me to pursue mission work right after high school, but I know this is something God is calling me to.

My sophomore year of high school (what I can remember of it) was a mess to say the least. It’s a blur of boys, pills, parties, and cutting.

I started writing these letters to God and I kept promising him that once I graduated from high school I would get myself into rehab if he would just let me live cause at that time, I really didn’t know (or care) what would have happened to me (thankfully, I’m still here lol).

Anyways, I was extremely nervous to start college. You know, all the parties, and just everything you come up against, and being a Christian is just really hard.

I honestly thought going to college, meant I would immediately start partying again, and lose my scholarship, and just fail. But I didn’t ( and granted it’s two weeks into the semester), but I have a focus that somehow, is on me and my future, but at the same time God.

Like, I do my homework, and I don’t go whoring myself out like old days,

And I don’t party, or touch pills, or cut, or any of that stuff.

And I wear my sobriety chip around my neck with pride that I didn’t ‘narc’ out.

I got help. I went through the recovery, and the pain, and the self-hatred, and the rehab, with God.

In houses. In churches. In busses, and vans, and cars, and with random people I never thought I would need to tell my story to, but I did.

My story is weird.

A lot of times I feel like it was a dream. Like I am the me right now that I’ve always been.

But I’m not.

And I look down on my arms to see a million little scars still healing, and lies I’ve sown into my body that are still trying to fight their way back into my life.

I don’t know.

I just still feel God.

And that is a lot more than I thought would have happened at this point.

I don’t know.

I like school. I like to feel the warmth of a professor when you are that ONE kid in class who says thank you, and please, and doesn’t back sass.

I love to see people smile.

I love to talk to my peers and not really pray, or hope, or anything big.

Just to be there. In that moment.

To be an example of a Jesus I know, who loved me in the gutters of my soul, and loves every part of theirs.

To love.

To live.

To be in those moments that we will forever remember as the years we decided who we would soon be.

I hope I make it.

I hope I get through it sober.

I hope I see my friends again tomorrow.

I don’t know.

Peace to you tonight,

Dorothy.

8.26.13.

I'm Not Sure What This Crap Is..

I have the right to choose Jesus.

I know, Sunday School didn't really work well on my. The little "I choose Jesus" songs didn't do their job I guess. whatever.

I'm 18. I'm starting college, and man, did I used to party.

I loved being the center of attention, and being "that girl", and my only saving grace was that my parents took me out of high school.

And now, I'm starting college, and even before hand, I have slipped, and given into the temptations of being a college student.

I am so sick of it.

And it's like I have the right to choose any religion, and focus I want, except Jesus.

Like, I can worship my left pinky toe, and say it's my God, and it seems like people would respect that more than Jesus. I'm trying.

I don't like the girl I've been. I don't want to go back to being 'American Dorothy'.

I am so sick of giving into the pressure. I am so sick and fu*king tired of wishing that God couldn't see what I am doing, because I am embarrassed.

I miss the Dorothy that was in Haiti, giving herself away.

That's the real me. That's the me I want to be, every day, for the rest of my life.

Ugh. I don't know.

Bye.

I Will Not Forget Ecuador..

Soo.. A few days after I got back from Haiti, I got a letter, I had known was going to come, but none-the-less, I had'nt anticipated that day, and it was a letter that I wrote the last day I was in Ecuador.

Denise and Oswaldo had us write a letter of things we wanted to remember about our time in Ecuador, and with the orphans. And so, here is my letter(:

:

5 things I want to remember about Ecuador 2012-2013:

1) Don't forget the stentch of the kids, and how you had to hold your breath when you held them in their arms. And the feeling of knowing lice are crawling on you, and that's what it means to be the hands and feet of Jesus.

2) Don't forget the way Stephen ate ice cream and spilled it all over you and how you felt God through you.

3) Never forget the sadness in their eyes every time you would leave, and knowing that you can no longer pretend they do not exist. They are real. You see them. They exist to you.

4) Knowing that, you know you need to do something about it.

5) Never forget the way you felt when you felt God calling you here, and walking away from the boys home, knowing you are in love with this place, these children, and this culture. Please, don't stop. They need you to come back to help them, They need someone to be for them, and to stay. They need love, they need a chance. They need to know someone loves them and is there for them. Please, don't stop!

Jesus loves them, and you soo.. much!

You can't turn back now! Please.

Keep going.

Go.

Be.

Love.

Will you still?

　

　

He is soo.... proud of you!

God, thank you, for making me remember.
Please, don't ever let me quit.

Peace to you tonight,
7.21.2013.